Red Green's Beginner's Guide to Women Read online

  Make sure she puts on her seatbelt. If she’s having trouble with it, don’t help her. Dad’s still at the window and he’s got the safety off. Drive away slowly. Let her wave to her parents if she wants to. You need to avoid hitting trees, fire hydrants and somebody’s dog—especially her dog.

  Don’t try to make conversation; you’re nervous and you’ll just say something stupid. Let her do the talking. If she doesn’t talk, turn on the radio. If the radio doesn’t work, this date is pretty much over. If the radio does work, don’t sing along with the songs or talk along with the commercials. It’s far too early in the relationship for her to see how annoying you can be.

  The main focus of whatever you say and do should be her. Think about how she’s going to react before you blurt something out. Junior S. tells me about a mistake he made on his first date. His uncle was a fisherman who used to carry his pills around in a prophylactic to keep them dry. He asked Junior to pick him up a box of them. On the way to the movies they were going right by the drugstore, so Junior pulled over and said to his date, “I’m just going in here to get some condoms.” When he returned, she was gone. You’ve got to anticipate her point of view so you’ll be able to avoid problems. Later in your life you’ll realize that’s impossible, but it’s still important to try.

  Being There

  After you arrive and park, you may notice as you’re walking through the parking lot that your date is scanning the crowd, looking for her friends. This is why it’s so important that you hang on to both of your tickets. Even though you want to be wanted, the truth is you need to be needed.

  Once inside, go directly to your seats. This is why you bought great seats. Her friends may be cool, but they’re cheap, so they won’t be sitting anywhere near you. Also, you want to be sitting there when they arrive so they can see you’re with her and that you obviously have unlimited disposable income. Once the concert starts, do whatever she does. If she just sits there, you just sit there. If she gets up and dances, you get up and dance. If she throws her bra at the stage, you go up and get it back.

  It’s important that she feels like she’s in charge and that you approve of whatever she does. That’s the best way to get a second date.

  At the intermission, offer to go and get her something to eat or drink. If she wants a drink, that’s easy, but if she wants something to eat, you have to think about this. You can’t let her eat alone, so you’ll have to have something too. What you choose will determine your romantic future.

  First of all, there’s nothing that you’re allowed to eat with your mouth open, so abandon that dream. The best choice is to have exactly what she’s having, but maybe you don’t care for hummus. Even so, don’t choose anything that has a stronger flavour than what she’s having. Don’t ever be the only one eating garlic. If you have gaps between your teeth, you have to be extra careful with your food choice. Small chunks of ground beef or black licorice will wedge between your teeth and make your smile look like a piano. And it’s hard to look cool while flossing. So either order something that’s almost a liquid or buy a tooth-coloured sandwich.

  If she declines food or drink, keep encouraging her to change her mind. It’s good for you to send a subtle message that you’re attentive and an excellent provider.

  In the second half of the concert, you’ll probably both be sitting down. If the conversation is going well and she seems to like you, or at least be able to tolerate you, you can test the waters by slowly sliding your arm over the top of her seat—the one she’s sitting on top of, not the one she’s sitting on. Don’t make contact until you’re both aware that your arm is there. Then you can slowly and gently make contact with her shoulders and watch her reaction. If she pulls away, apologize and pretend you extended your arm so you could see your watch. (Make sure to wear a watch.)

  If she doesn’t react at all, you’re in great shape, with one small warning: YOU CANNOT, FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER, RETRACT THAT ARM FOR THE REST OF THE CONCERT. It might go numb and turn purple, but you can’t take it back without sending a horrible message. You need to think about that before you stick your arm out there in the first place. In the weeks before the date, you should see how long you can ride your bike while signalling for a right-hand turn.

  You should also Google the act’s previous concerts to see how long the show is going to be. You’re better to err on the side of caution. You might think you have it timed right, but a fifteen-minute encore can lead to gangrene.

  Driving Her Home

  By far the most important part of the date is the drive home. The period of nervous evaluation is over. You’re finished with the interview and oral exam, and now it’s time for the results.

  But you can’t just say, “Well, how do you like me now?” Not unless you’re a masochist or Toby Keith. You have to sense it in her body language. Especially if her body language is French. If she leans against you while you’re walking to the car, or if she brushes by you as you hold the car door for her and then waits for you to close it, and then open it again so she can free her scarf, these are good signs.

  It’s in the way she talks to you. If she seems animated and happy, she may have enjoyed herself, or maybe she’s just excited about being able to go home. If she’s talking about other couples or personal things, that’s good. If she talks about non-personal things like mononucleosis, the good-night kiss is a longshot.

  If you have any hope of sustaining a long-term relationship with a woman, you have to accept that the past and the future are meaningless—it’s how she feels about you right now that matters. So just because the date has gone well to this point means nothing. You can’t rest on your laurels. You don’t have any laurels, and if you want to be with a woman, you can’t rest on anything.

  So keep it light and perky all the way home. If you’re brave enough, you could subtly mention some other event happening at some point in the future but you’re not sure if you’ll be available to go. You’re fishing and she knows it, but that’s okay. You’re at least letting her know that you’re open to a second date if your busy schedule will allow. On the one hand it’s not easy to put yourself on the line like that, but on the other hand you have to or you’re just wasting time. If she’s not interested in you, it’s better for you to find out now rather than after you’ve booked the church and named all the children.

  Walk her to the door, but don’t try any funny stuff. Not even any mildly amusing stuff. Just thank her and say goodnight and for God’s sake don’t cry.

  Après-Date Follow-Up

  The first date is one of those things in life where you really don’t know how it went until long after it’s done. Kind of like making a baby.

  Unless you want to pretend nothing ever happened, the best approach is to wait a week or two and then give her a call and see what’s what. If she answers the phone, that’s a good sign because chances are she has caller ID. Tell her how much fun the date had been. Give her a short beat to agree, and if she doesn’t, press on. If she interrupts you with a list of bad things that happened on the date, claim amnesia or temporary insanity—or permanent insanity.

  She’s expecting you to ask her out on another date, but don’t do it. It’s better to keep her guessing a little, even though you’re just pretending her guesses are wrong. Ask her for help of some kind, like doing a charity car wash (just your car) or helping you out with a book report that was due five months ago. It’ll take the pressure of a date out of the equation and you can’t lose. If she already finds you interesting, this will just enhance that feeling, and if she doesn’t, this is the kind of curveball that can make her forget she doesn’t like you. The working-together thing may be just the ticket for her to get used to your idiosyncracies, and in many cases it sets her up to accept that all-important second date. Even if it’s just out of curiosity.

  If she accepts your invitation, please proceed to the next section of this book. If she doesn’t, please go back to Getting Her Attention and repeat all of the steps
with a different girl until you’re allowed to go to the next level. If you run out of girls that you know, you will either have to transfer to a larger school or win the lottery.

  RAMPING UP

  As you work your way through the next series of dates, you will have your ups and downs, your fights and your happy moments. It’s all part of the dance as you cautiously reveal, intentionally or not, your true character.

  Don’t be over-sensitive about her difficulty accepting every little nuance of your behaviour. I know the guys think you’re great, but none of them is prepared to marry you and have your children. They don’t really think you’re great; you’re just great enough for the things you do with them—fishing or hunting or playing mailbox baseball. You may have one guy who calls himself your best buddy, but as soon as you put your arm around him and start slow dancing, watch the change in attitude. Even your mom doesn’t like everything about you, so don’t expect your girlfriend to.

  But other than those little speed bumps, you’ll probably find that things are progressing just fine until the sixth or seventh date. By that time the word is out and it’s affecting your lives. Other boys know you’re dating her and have stopped calling. Other girls know she’s dating you and are curiously baffled. It’s time for you to either break up with this girl (what, are you crazy?) or you need to make a commitment (what, are you crazy?!) because your relationship is like a hand of poker: you’ve both anted, she placed a bet, you called, got no answer but called back, and now it’s time to see another card.

  The only way to do that is to ask her to “go steady”—to date only you as a trial, to see if you really are prepared to spend your lives together—or at least a dirty weekend, but you’ll only mention the “lives together” part. And like a good poker player, she’ll suspect you’re bluffing. She’ll be looking for the “tells”—the signs that you’re not as sincere as the guy she wants to be with needs to be.

  But don’t do it lightly. Once you place that bet and she calls, you’re going to have to play the hand all the way to the end. And you may have to go “all in.”

  YOU AND ETHYL

  Alcohol has played a role in the relationship between men and women for thousands of years. It’s often used to finalize a marriage or to initiate a conception.

  There’s an old Latin expression, “In vino veritas,” which means “That’s wine, for sure,” and the inference is the more you drink, the more honest you get. I have yet to meet a drunk who confirms that theory. There are some other misconceptions about drinking that you’ll need to accept. Alcohol does not make you smarter, funnier, more athletic, better looking, stronger or taller.

  Sometimes people drink to give themselves the nerve to say something they want to get off their chest. Too late, they realize silence is better than incoherence. Some people drink to forget, and then find themselves doing even more things they need to forget.

  In moderation, alcohol can enhance a friendship, a romance or an event. In excess, somebody ends up running down the street with no shirt on while their home burns in the background.

  But alcohol is particularly dangerous during courtship as it can throw off the way signals are sent and received and skew the results (skew is not a typo). Here are a few guidelines to prevent alcohol from ruining your relationship:

  • Your alcohol consumption makes her prettier and you uglier.

  • Know your limit. If you can’t say the word chrysanthemum, stop drinking. If you can say it but do so for no reason, that’s no better.

  • Never be more than one drink ahead of your date. If she’s had two, stop at three. If she’s had one, stop at two. If she doesn’t drink, ask to meet her friends.

  • Use alcohol to help celebrate a decision, not to help make one.

  • It’s a bad plan to try to get her drunk so she’ll sleep with you. It’s an even worse plan to get yourself drunk so you’ll sleep with her.

  • Make sure this is the girl for you before you start drinking. People who don’t like each other sober don’t usually change their minds after a six-pack.

  • If you need alcohol to make her attractive the night before, how’s she going to look in the morning when you’re hungover?

  • Alcohol kills brain cells. You have none to spare.

  • Don’t abuse alcohol now, while you’re young and full of life. Save it until you’ve been married thirty years and could really use it.

  • The big risk of drinking is that you will say something intelligent but nobody will take you seriously. Whereas saying dumb things while you’re sober is better for everybody.

  • Love is like a car. You can get it started with alcohol, but it won’t run for long.

  GOOD CRAZY, BAD CRAZY, CRAZY CRAZY

  I think most people accept that being crazy is often a good thing. It can have a romantic meaning, like “That guy is crazy about you,” or it can describe somebody who’s fun to be with, like “I had a crazy time with that guy,” or it can mean something a little darker, like “That guy is psychotic and should be locked up.” So what we have are three different kinds of crazy: good crazy, bad crazy and crazy crazy. If you’re trying to get a girl to like you, you want to make sure you stay within the parameters of good crazy. This is the crazy that makes women fall in love. It’s the one they write country songs about. Bad crazy is the kind your buddies might get a kick out of on the way home from the football game, but it rarely works with women. Crazy crazy is the kind that scares people and requires professional help to correct. It’s important that you be able to categorize your crazy notions while they’re still in the planning stages, rather than waiting until the deed is done and the cops are pulling into the driveway. You don’t want to be boring, but you need to be the right kind of crazy. Here are some examples:

  Good Crazy: You put a full, steaming hot tub in the back of your pickup truck and drive over to your girlfriend’s house.

  Bad Crazy: You put a full, steaming hot tub in the back of your pickup truck and drive over to your girlfriend’s house naked.

  Crazy Crazy: You put a full, steaming hot tub in the back of your pickup truck and drive over to your girlfriend’s house naked—and the hot tub is chock full of sliced vegetables and chunks of beef and one giant crouton in the shape of an armadillo.

  Good Crazy: You pick her up for a date but instead whisk her off to Vegas for the weekend.

  Bad Crazy: You pick her up for a date but instead whisk her off to Schenectady for two weeks.

  Crazy Crazy: You pick her up for a date but instead whisk her off to a minimum-security prison for six months less a day.

  Good Crazy: You take your fiancée to a seafood restaurant and get an unemployed captain to marry the two of you in the parking lot.

  Bad Crazy: You take your fiancée to a machine shop and have your rings welded together while you’re wearing them.

  Crazy Crazy: You take your fiancée to an abattoir, where the minister butchers the ceremony, the candles are kielbasa, the organ is a kidney and the pew is unbearable.

  HER FACE COMES TO YOUR PLACE

  After you’ve been dating for a while and you’ve seen all the current movies and have gone out for dinner with her so many times you’ve met every cashier at the drive-thru, it will be time to invite her over to your apartment for a stay-at-home date.

  This is a pivotal evening for the relationship. It may be hard to believe, but when a single girl visits a guy in his pad, he’s a lot more vulnerable than she is. That’s because she’s going to learn a whole lot about him. Way more than he realizes, and way, way more than he’d like her to. So you’ve got to prepare for that by taking some extra steps to make sure she doesn’t learn too much about you too soon.

  The visit starts when she arrives and parks her car. Meet her in the parking lot so you can walk her into the building. If there’s an old smelly guy who sleeps in the foyer, come in through the back door. And you accompanying her saves that awkward moment when she buzzes up to be let in and you can’t understa
nd each other because of that time you spilled a rye and ginger into the intercom and now everyone’s voice sounds like somebody speaking Chinese through a box of tinfoil.

  If the elevator is shaky, take the stairs and save it for when she’s leaving. Even bad elevators can usually go down okay. If necessary, dress up the outside of your apartment door a little. Maybe a welcome sign or some seasonal message that you can use to hide the holes from the fire axe. Or just leave the door open—a subtle way of saying you trust your neighbours, even if the truth is they would never steal from you because their stuff is way nicer than yours.

  Her first step into your apartment is crucial. She needs to be stepping on the floor—not a sock or newspaper or a laundry bag or a hamster. The place needs to look clean and tidy. And it needs to have either no smell or a good smell. There’s a way of wedging an aerosol air freshener into the workings of a clock so that it sprays a blast of lotus blossom delight every hour on the hour.

  Put some thought into what you have sitting on the tables and hanging on the walls. No weapons. Especially no guns. Especially no smoking guns. If you have awards, frame them and hang them prominently. Even if they’re just for attendance, they show you’ve been places. Have family pictures on display. It doesn’t have to be your family, just some family. She won’t care at this point. If you have a picture of her, display it prominently—and nowhere near the dartboard.

  If your couch is a sofa bed, make sure it’s in the sofa configuration. Have the dinner already made and keeping warm in the oven. Just buy it all to go from a local restaurant and then ask your neighbour how to turn the oven on. Do not under any circumstances attempt to clean the bathroom yourself. It’s too big a job and you obviously have no experience at it. You need to hire a professional heavy-industrial cleaning company that has a detox specialist. You should really have them clean the entire apartment, but you can’t afford that, so just have them do the bathroom and with the money you save, you can buy dimmers.