Red Green's Beginner's Guide to Women Read online

  I know many of you find it difficult to break the ice with women, and there are a large number of men who don’t like to talk to anybody about anything, but talking to an attractive woman is a skill you’ll want to master. I don’t have a lot of positive advice in that area, but from personal experience, I suggest you keep the conversation light and breezy. Try to focus on topics that interest her and let her do most of the talking.

  As a starting point, here is a list of subjects to avoid:

  • flu symptoms

  • nuclear fission

  • cannibalism

  • rite-of-passage tribal rituals

  • phlegm

  • waste disposal

  • erectile dysfunction

  THE PHOTO GALLERY

  For those of you who need visual reinforcement to be able to understand a concept, I thought it might be helpful to use an imaginary photo gallery to demonstrate some of the basic differences between men and women. If they each had their own photo gallery, here are examples of some of the things that would be on display:

  HERS HIS

  THE PARTY POLICY

  Once you’ve broken the ice, the next challenge is to get yourself into social situations where the girl in question is going to be. It would be nice if you were already in her social circle and being invited to the same parties, but if you’re a fan of mine and also reading this book, that’s probably not the case. So you need to create a social event where the two of you will be allowed to advance your relationship in a way that may eventually lead to dating, then intimacy, followed by three or four children and, perhaps one day, marriage.

  But you need to start with what I like to call a “party.” It can be as formal as bowling or as casual as prying coins out of parking meters. Some call it a party, others call it gang violence, but let’s not get bogged down in semantics. The point is to get a bunch of young people of similar interests doing something together that somehow makes you look more acceptable to the girl who is the object of your affection.

  Now, you could take your chances and wait until a friend has a party and invites the two of you to be there, but I don’t recommend it. You need to control the variables or you’re dead. There are probably a lot of better-looking, available, nicer guys in your town, and if even one of them shows up, you’re toast.

  So you need to be in charge of the guest list. The A-list should be made up of good-looking, well-liked teenaged couples from your peer group. They will create a feeling of beauty and happiness that you could never pull off on your own, and the fact that they are all couples will send a subtle message to you-know-who that the two of you really need to hook up. To round out the guest roster, go to the B-list, which should consist of total losers. They will be easy to find because they’re probably already your best friends and they are always available. Just be sure to avoid inviting anyone who is available and a better catch than you. Let them have their own parties.

  Now that you have the guest list, you need to pick the right location. Try to avoid having the party at your house, because there’s a lot of potential for embarrassment in your own home. Whether it’s your extra-absorbent underwear hanging on the line or your retainer swinging from the fridge door or the parole officer dropping by to check on your stepdad, there are just too many things that can go wrong. I recommend a friend’s home or somebody’s home or a model home—lots of them available since the real-estate crash. The main criteria is that you want a house with a basement. The earth is an excellent planet for deadening noise, the spilled drinks have nowhere to go, and nobody ever falls out of basement windows. Once you have the venue, you need to pick the menu. Don’t choose anything that needs to be hot or cold, since the power is probably off.

  I don’t think you can go wrong with Honey Nut Cheerios. They’re filling, they’re healthy, they’re a natural source of something or other, and as primarily a breakfast cereal, they imply to the special guest that if she’d like to have a sleepover, you’ve got it covered.

  I’m assuming your guests are all too young to drink alcohol, so I recommend American beer. Now we come to the most important aspect of your party: the activities. Here are some great party games that will jumpstart your budding relationship:

  The Eskimo Game

  The boy and girl stand facing each other with their hands behind their backs and wearing white T-shirts. Unwrap a melting Eskimo Pie and put one end into each of their mouths. The challenge is for each of them to eat their half before the chocolate drips on their shirts. The reason it’s called the Eskimo Game is because you also place a dollop of Krazy Glue on the tip of each of their noses so if they accidentally kiss Eskimo-style, it will be a case of endless love.

  Pass the Fruit

  The boys and girls line up against opposite walls, facing each other. Each of them is given a selection of fruit. The boys start by holding an orange under their chin using only their neck muscles. They have to carry it like that all the way to the girls’ line and transfer the orange to their partner’s neck without using their hands. Don’t be confused by the term “navel orange”—you need to keep it up in the neck region. (If any of the guests has a goitre, you can allow them to use a tangerine instead.) For the next round, the girls put a zucchini under each armpit and must transfer it to the boys’ armpits, again without using their hands. For the final exchange, the boys must carry a fifteen-pound watermelon between their thighs across the room and transfer it to the girls. Be sure to alert them that if they fail to pass the watermelon test, they “cantaloupe.” Everybody loves that kind of laugh-out-loud humour.

  Where Have Those Lips Been?

  For this game you’ll need to bring some glass microscope slides home from biology class. Don’t steal them, but it’s fine to borrow them forever. Get the boys to leave the room while the girls smear on a ton of lipstick and then each one kisses a different slide. Now the boys return and, one by one, take turns being the screen for a slide show in which a slide of a girl’s lips is projected on the boy’s body somewhere and the rest of the guests have to guess whose lips they are and what are they doing there.

  I’d Like to See More of You

  In this game, somebody turns out the lights and the girls all take off their blouses. (I may have those steps reversed.) The boys are handcuffed behind their backs, which many of them may be used to. Now the whole crowd just mingles in the dark. There are only two rules—no talking and the boys are not allowed to walk backwards. Each time a boy bumps into someone, he has to guess who it is. If he guesses one of the other boys, he is disqualified. In order to speed up the game, the host, at his discretion, may flick on the lights for a moment or two. Whoever identifies the most girls correctly gets their own reality show. (I’m not sure this is an actual game. I may have dreamt it.)

  We’re a Couple Now (The Railroad Game)

  You’ll need a coat hanger for each person for this game. The boys mount their coat hangers horizontally through their belt loops in the front of their pants. The girls mount their coat hangers vertically on their lower back. Each boy is given an electronic bicycle horn to sound and a list of simple instructions:

  One short beep - - - - - - - - - - - Turn left

  Two short beeps - - - - - - - - - - Turn right

  One long beep - - - - - - - - - - - Back up

  One medium beep - - - - - - - - - Go forward

  One really loud and long beep - - - Stop

  The girls are blindfolded and lined up in front of their boyfriends, with their backs to them. When the game starts, the girls back up towards the boys as if they’re train engines trying to hook up to the caboose. The boys cannot talk to them but can only use their horns to communicate. The first couple to engage the coat hangers and successfully pull out of the station is the winner. But the main focus of fun is the chaos of six or seven of these loud horns giving simultaneous signals. Talk about a laugh riot!

  Perhaps you’d rather play different games, and I say fine … whatever … I couldn’t care l
ess. But I would advise that you limit your vulnerability by making each game somebody else’s idea, and don’t be afraid to glare at them if anything goes wrong. It also might be good to have a public defender on speed dial. Even if the party is a complete disaster, it will lead to further conversation because you will need to apologize to that special girl. This will be a recurring pattern throughout the relationship.

  PRIMARY ASSESSMENT

  In all personal dealings with women, from the most distant to the most intimate, you should never get ahead of yourself. The best way to protect against that is to make regular assessments to ensure you fully understand the current status of your relationship.

  This is one of those times. You’ve introduced yourself, you’ve been in group situations, both formal and casual, and before you get too focused on taking the next step, you need to clearly identify your current position. To do that, you’ll need to use your friends. Don’t feel bad, that’s what they’re for.

  The first request is to have your friends ask around about the girl to see if she has any boyfriends on the horizon and, more specifically, if one of them is you. Next, you need one of your friends to walk down the school corridor about ten feet behind you. As you pass the girl standing with her friends, wave to her. Just a casual friendly wave, not a jumping-up-and-down-flailing-both-arms-in-the-air-with-a-“pick-me”-look-on-your-face kind of wave. After the wave, avert your eyes and walk by. Now your friend has to intently watch her reaction. If she turns to her friends, smiles and blushes a little, and says, “That’s the guy,” that’s good. If she rolls her eyes and says, “That’s the guy,” that’s a whole different message. If she jerks her head away and mimes vomiting, that doesn’t mean you should completely give up hope, but almost.

  The worst reaction your friend could report is no reaction at all—she doesn’t change her facial expression or body language and doesn’t even recognize your existence. That’s the real killer. You have a lot more chance with a girl who doesn’t like you than with a girl who doesn’t acknowledge you. Going forward, your actions should be based on the knowledge you just acquired. If you got a positive reaction, keep doing what you’re doing. The more negative reaction, the more things you need to change. But there is a limit. If you have to change your personality, looks, weight, height and gender, it’s probably time to move on. If you think you’re doing okay or you think there’s a chance that you’re okay, the only way you’re going to find out for sure is to ask her out on a date.

  THE FIRST DATE

  From Buster’s diary:

  Dear Diary,

  Just got home from my first date. It’s 9:30. Did not go well. Apparently “smart casual” does not include bib overalls. We had nothing in common. She didn’t even laugh at my goat joke. When I stopped the car on Lovers’ Lane, she got out and walked home. My life is over. Thinking about moving to Sudbury.

  I’m going to skip over the first few years because a date isn’t a date until you’re old enough to drive your own vehicle. Having your mom drive you, or picking the girl up on your bike or your skateboard, is just lame. Now, maybe some of you live on a farm in one of those areas where you’re allowed to drive farm vehicles at the age of twelve, but I think you should wait until you have a proper licence, because bad things can happen when you take a combine to a drive-in movie.

  So let’s assume you’re sixteen and have a valid driver’s licence. You are now ready to ask that special girl out on your first date. This is a big step that may involve rejection, and by far the most important aspect of it is for you to retain enough of your own pride and self-respect to be able to live a relatively normal life. So the first thing you need to do is to assume that she’s going to say no. And when she does, you’re going to need something to blame it on that has nothing to do with you.

  Maybe you picked the wrong date, or maybe she’s not feeling well or maybe she doesn’t enjoy monster trucks. Whatever it is, you have to build those safety valves into your presentation when you ask for the date. Don’t ever ask, “Would you like to go out with me sometime?” Suppose she bursts out laughing or says, “Really?”—not in a good way—or yells some insensitive message that’s painfully clear and loud enough for everyone to hear. What then?

  You did a dumb thing. You didn’t specify a date or an activity or anything. What you presented was the two of you doing something together, sometime, somewhere. You were basically saying you are available 24/7 to go anywhere with her and do anything she wants. It was an offer with only one condition: you. And she declined. There’s no coming back from that. You’re going to end up in the French Foreign Legion or the clergy. You’ve got to protect yourself from that. You’ve got to protect the clergy from that.

  So pick a specific date and a specific activity. And do some research. Find out what the cool couples are doing over the next few weeks. Maybe there’s some big rap artist coming to town who wears his hat sideways and his pants around his ankles to distract you from his lack of talent. Get yourself a couple of tickets and a licence to carry a concealed weapon and you’re good to go.

  Now you’ve really improved your bargaining position on the date front. You’re asking her to go somewhere that kids she admires are already going, and you’ve already bought the tickets, which tells her you’ll be going there with somebody else if she says no. (Do not mention your sister.) So here’s how you ask, “Hey, the gang is all going to the PP Diddly Squat concert and I’ve got a couple of front-row tickets. I got a list of people I’d like to take, but you’re the first one on it. Lemme know if you wanna go.”

  You have now almost completely depersonalized the invitation, which is the key to successful dating. All she hears is the “great tickets” to a concert the “right people” are already going to. You’re the smallest thing in the equation. It not only makes it unlikely that she’ll say no, it allows you to rationalize the rejection as her turning her back on all of her friends and PP—and from what I hear, this is not a guy you should ever turn your back on.

  Chances are she’ll say yes, but even if she doesn’t, you’re covered. And your sister will owe you huge.

  What to Wear

  I know you’re completely unprepared for this question because up until now you either didn’t care, your mother was dressing you, or both. But suddenly what you’re wearing is crucial.

  As Buster discovered, your appearance is never neutral. It sends either a negative or a positive signal about you, how you feel about yourself and how you feel about the girl you’re taking out—and, most important, how you feel about the parents of the girl you’re taking out. Because when you ring that doorbell there will be two very skeptical adults doing a full-body scan on you. They don’t want to see ripped jeans or multiple body piercings or a drawing of cartoon animals mating on your T-shirt. But you can’t go overboard on the nerdy end, either, with cargo pants or a fedora or a bow tie.

  You want to go with conservative cool. Don’t dress like a rock star, dress like one of the backup singers. And don’t try to look rich, especially if you’re not. Looking poor looks way richer than trying to look rich. I know this is hard for you because I’m asking you to pretend you care about something that you don’t, but if you can’t do that, this relationship is going nowhere.

  The Wheels

  Even more important than what you wear is what you drive. Long before you arrive, her parents are secretly peeking out the window to see what kind of vehicle they are being asked to let their daughter leave in. They don’t want to see a 1981 Dodge Aries with rust issues and a cloud of blue smoke pouring out of the exhaust, even if you park it so the bullet holes are on the far side.

  Don’t let your pride get in the way. They’d much rather see you pull up in a $20,000 car you borrowed than in an $800 car you own. Go with your best option. Maybe your mom’s car would be comforting to other parents. Or borrow your dad’s company car, unless he drives a hearse or an Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

  And make sure her father knows that you know
that he noticed the car you’re driving. The girl’s mother is hoping you’re a nice boy; her father doesn’t believe nice boys exist, so he’ll settle for a nice car.

  Getting There

  Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that her parents couldn’t come up with a good enough reason to call off the date and you’ve just left her house and are walking towards your car. You are not safe yet. Her parents are squished in behind the side curtain panels and watching your every move. Don’t reach out to hold the girl’s hand. If you accidentally miss and touch some other part of her, there’s not an excuse in the world that her father would accept—as he comes screaming out of the house brandishing a 12-gauge.

  Just walk at a comfortable pace and comment on the weather or something neutral like that. She’s not interested in hearing about your shower or what you had for dinner. Open the passenger door for her and make sure she gets in. All of her. Slamming the door on her foot is not a good way to start a date.