Red Green's Beginner's Guide to Women Read online

  The main thing is to just be yourself. Or not. It might actually be better for you to be somebody else. Somebody calmer. Someone with no expectations. You’ve gotta just appreciate her being there and let her take the lead. Don’t slip away for a moment and come back wearing pyjamas. Or even worse, not wearing pyjamas. And don’t try to get her all liquored up. Assume she’ll be driving home in a few hours and you need her to be able to do that safely. You, however, aren’t going anywhere, so you can pound it back like Blackbeard on shore leave.

  The key to your future is showing your appreciation for her being there. Or for just being. Or for nothing. Even undeserved appreciation makes most men irresistible.

  LIKE FATHER, LIKE HELL

  You’ll probably find that your new girlfriend is adjusting smoothly to your world, in terms of activities you like to do and the friends and family you like to do them with. But remember, the seriousness of your relationship with this girl is directly proportional to the scrutiny you are under.

  The more you like her and want to be with her, the more she’s going to expect you to change. And the most pivotal moment of that evolution occurs when she has just accepted your marriage proposal and then meets your father for the first time. Chances are she will be mortified. She’ll meet this fat, old, snarly guy who has no social graces and considers himself the centre of the universe.

  On the surface, she’ll be challenged by the thought of having to deal with this regularly now that she’s joining the family. But her biggest concern is that you will one day turn into this guy. Unzipping your pants after a big meal, sleeping on the recliner, crabbing about everything from the price of hammers to the way the neighbour walks, and emanating more bizarre body noises than C3PO.

  If you’re not adopted, then you are genetically programmed to be just like him. Plus you have been raised in his environment and have come to accept his behaviour as normal.

  You’re going to have to abandon all of that. There is no way on earth she is going to allow you to become your father. She may even write it into the marriage vows. She’ll get you to stop smoking cigars and then stop smoking cigarettes and then stop smoking altogether. She will change your diet to prevent you from doubling your body weight every ten years. She’ll put you on a tough-love program that directly connects your behaviour to her rewards. She’ll become an expert on what you like and then withhold that to motivate you to become the best you can be. Or at least, better than your dad.

  And friends and family who know your dad will be on her side. So just do what you gotta do and stop your whining.

  Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t mean that this is a completely one-sided process. Because chances are you’re going to face the same problem with her that she’s facing with you. And you’ll be aware of that similarity the moment you meet her mother. And the moment you become aware of how her mother treats her father. This is not a future you will find appealing. But it does level the playing field and give you a bargaining position. You can sit your fiancée down and admit that it would be better for everyone if you don’t turn into your father, but that it would also give your marriage the best chance for success if she doesn’t turn into her mother. That may be a tough one, but it needs to be said.

  I know we should all show gratitude to our parents, but that doesn’t mean we need to duplicate them. Mother Nature is like Bill Gates. The next generation always needs to be The Parents Version 2.0.

  MEETING HER FATHER

  There is no more crucial step in the development of this relationship than the first time you meet her father. This guy is your school principal, judge, jury and parole officer, all in one. With one difference: those people are all impartial; this guy is not. He’s assuming you’re a loser, and it’ll be hard to get him to change his mind. Especially if you are a loser.

  This man sees every suitor as his daughter’s highway to a good life, and right now he’s looking at you like you’re a cul-de-sac. The first step in overcoming that perception is for you to treat him with great respect, even if nobody else in the world, even his own family, does. Call him sir, but don’t overdo it. Adding the name “Lancelot” removes all the sincerity.

  If every one of this guy’s friends are smart asses, that doesn’t allow you to be one. He’s not looking to be your friend. In his mind, you’re trying to take away the only woman in the world he has truly gotten along with.

  In golf they have a shot called the “son-in-law”—the translation is “not quite what I had in mind.” You’re fighting an uphill battle, so I suggest a quiet war. Don’t talk much. Don’t introduce controversial subjects. Let him do that and then wait until he clearly defines his position.

  But don’t be quick to agree with him, or you’ll alienate your girlfriend’s mother. Just do a few I sees and interestings. You may not like to be a fence-sitter but 99 per cent of the time, wishy-washy wins. I would say you should forget about getting her father to like you and instead concentrate on getting him to feel comfortable around you. To do that, you need to avoid dead air. There’s nothing worse than an uncomfortable silence. It implies that you have nothing in common or will only start an argument by speaking or that maybe each of you is thinking the other person doesn’t have enough intelligence to comprehend or respond—and, sadly, you both may be right.

  You need to find a way to fill the dead air. It’s one of the reasons professional sport was created. Turn on the NFL and crank up the volume. Watch to see which team he’s cheering for and join him. If there’s no game on or the cable’s been cut off because of a misunderstanding over what happens when you don’t pay your bill, you may have to rely on conversation. That’s a minefield. Especially if it’s just the two of you trying to talk. You both hate making small talk. And big talk always leads to a fistfight. You might think bringing your girlfriend and her mother into the conversation would help, but that only gives you a glimpse into how this guy treats his wife, and you may not be able to hold your tongue.

  The best solution to all of these problems is for you to only spend time with her father when you’re on your way to do something else. Something with a deadline—like a flight you have to catch or a doctor’s appointment or a court appearance. Never drop in on your way home because you won’t be able to leave without being rude and, although you enjoy being rude, it doesn’t lead to him giving you his daughter anytime soon.

  So be respectful, keep the visits short, and if you can’t think of anything, don’t say it.

  BATTING ORDER FOR RELATIVES

  In the challenge to land the woman of your dreams, your relatives can be very helpful in persuading her she could do a lot worse. But it doesn’t just happen; you have to orchestrate it. For example, the order in which she meets your relatives needs to be geared to the development of your relationship. You need to manage that sequence, like the manager of a baseball team. And also like a manager, you need to draw up your most effective batting order.

  Leadoff hitter: Mom. Your mother is the perfect person to convince your girlfriend that you are lovable and that you enjoy being mothered. This initial message can set you up for a lifetime of nurturing. Mothers never strike out, and you’ll get to first base.

  Batting second: Sis. Even if your sister doesn’t like you, her mere presence implies that you are capable of cohabitating with a woman who shares your status in the family. She will probably go down swinging, but be kind to her and you’ll look like a champ.

  Batting third: Grandma. Your grandmother is a great opportunity to show what a nice guy you are. Any man who is nice to his grandmother gets a lot of points. But don’t expect too much from the at-bat. Your grandmother stopped swinging years ago.

  (You’ll notice the first three batters are women. That’s not a fluke. Your girlfriend will be impressed if you have even a half-decent relationship with these three diverse women in your life. It will make her optimistic about your long-term potential and so increase her commitment to the relationship and allow you to bring in your next th
ree batters.)

  Batting fourth: your best friend. I don’t mean the guy who is your best friend. I mean a friend of yours who is the best person you know. A kind, sensitive person, good-looking, smart, successful and fit. She will subliminally assign those characteristics to you, simply because you associate with this guy. She may also regret having hooked up with you before she met him, but chances are he’s gay.

  Batting fifth: your boss. Here again, it’s a subtle message. Your girlfriend is meeting a successful businessman who sifted through a number of job applicants and ultimately chose you. It’s exactly what you’re asking her to do, and for once she’ll appreciate not being the first.

  Batting sixth: your finance company rep. This is the person who lent you the money to buy that used Hummer. He obviously saw something in you that was honest and responsible. It will make your girlfriend feel better about you to know that this person trusts you. And it will make this person feel better to know that your girlfriend might help pay back the loan.

  (By this point, you’ve covered the bases. You’ve shown your ability to build personal and business relationships. Your girlfriend is now as committed to you as she’s ever going to be. It’s time to show her the dark side of the batting order.)

  Batting seventh: your best friend. This time I mean it. Your actual best friend. The guy you drink beer with and go to monster truck rallies with. He may be a little rough around the edges. He may be missing a few teeth—and several brains. His language may be salty and his stories about you may be as inappropriate as they are true. Your girlfriend won’t like him. She’ll think he’s not good enough for you. You’ll defend him and say you would never turn your back on your best friend. But you will if you have to.

  Batting eighth: your brother. This is the guy who knows absolutely every embarrassing moment of your life and can’t wait to share each and every one of them with your sweetheart. Let him. While she’s there, just let him say whatever he wants and hang your head in embarrassment. It’ll make you pathetic and lovable. After she goes, you can give your brother a wedgie that borders on gender-reassignment surgery.

  Batting ninth, the cleanup hitter: Dad. For your girlfriend, this is potentially the Ghost of Christmas Future. She’ll see him sitting at the head of the table in his underwear, blaming the immigration policies for his inability to secure a senior management position or get his Grade 10. While his very existence will scare your girlfriend, for you it will create an absolute worst-case scenario. She will be so thankful that you are so much better than your dad, she will be hesitant to criticize any of your imperfections.

  (There is nothing better than family to recalibrate the instruments of any couple. And it works for both sides. Whenever you lose the love or even attraction for each other, make an effort to spend more time with each other’s families and you’ll see how lucky you both are.)

  THE CARE PACKAGE

  The average man and the average woman care about entirely different things. It’s very difficult to find common ground when your priorities are that far out of sync. But it all starts with learning what those differences are. See the following graph:

  MARRYING A MODEL

  It’s probably every man’s dream to marry a model—or maybe even a supermodel, but then you’d have to be Superman. So I thought it might be important to help you look at the big picture in language you can understand.

  First of all, let’s look at the word model. It sometimes means “miniature version of the real thing,” but I’m sure that’s not what you’re looking for. You want the full-sized real thing, and you may even want some areas as large as possible. The other and more applicable meaning of model is “ideal.” This is the ultimate physical version of a human being. Perfect face, perfect hair, perfect body, perfect everything.

  Yes, you’d like to have a woman like that hanging on your arm, but that’s only natural. Your instincts are all telling you this is a good thing—a very, very good thing. And maybe it is, but you need to think about it.

  Let’s start with how you look. Are you a male model? Are you even an “artist’s rendering” of a male? You’re attracted to this model because she’s flawless, but how flawless are you? In contrast, are you actually flaw-full? Try to imagine how the two of you are going to look together. Her beauty will not enhance your ugliness. Quite the opposite: she’ll look like an exquisite statue and you’ll look like the packing crate. Strangers who see you together will assume it’s an arranged marriage. Or they may think you must be incredibly wealthy, which is fine for about a minute and then they’ll start asking you for money.

  And think about what your wife’s life will be like. If enough people tell her how ridiculous it is for her to be married to you, she may eventually agree with them. That makes you vulnerable. You already have enough of that in your life.

  Let me give you another perspective. When you go to buy a car, they have the ones for sale out in the lot, but they have the “model” in the showroom. That’s because the model is not only the best-looking and most fully loaded, it also gets the best treatment. It’s not out in the elements. It gets groomed and buffed every day. Nobody takes the model off-road or uses it to pick up a yard of manure. If they do, it doesn’t stay a model for long.

  It’s the same thing with your model wife. Yes, she may have beauty, but beauty is a commitment. It requires constant vigilance and maintenance. Those hands can’t be washing dishes or carrying lumber or torquing a head bolt. That hair can’t be full of plaster dust. Those legs are too great to be lifting furniture. When you marry a model, you become the custodian of a rare collectible and it’s your duty to men everywhere to do everything you can to keep that specimen in showroom condition.

  And don’t assume that once you get to the bedroom it’ll all be worth it. Models need their sleep. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying don’t marry a model. I’m just saying you need to think about all of the things you have to sacrifice to sustain her in the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed. I’d hate to see you marry somebody just for their looks and then your eyes go.

  FREE LOVE?

  Every person has a computer inside their brain. Some have the NASA genius model, some have a Commodore 64. But even the most basic of these computers is preloaded with software that programs you to walk upright, communicate, eat over the sink, and reproduce. And as annoying as eating over the sink can be to everyone else at the restaurant, the drive to reproduce is the one that causes the problems.

  Generally, girls, as potential mothers, are very aware of these natural urges but are equally aware of the consequences. Whereas boys, as potential fathers, are focused on the urges alone, and dismiss the consequences as something that won’t happen for at least nine months—and even then, it will be to somebody else.

  Boys find out at an early age that when you consider the consequences of your actions before doing them, it takes all the fun out of life. They would never have slalomed on a skateboard being towed by a pickup truck. They would never have dived off a neighbour’s roof into what, up until the moment of impact, was an above-ground pool. They would never have eaten forty-three pickled eggs on the first night of a camping trip.

  Many of the great discoveries and scientific breakthroughs in history have come from somebody, usually a man, not considering the consequences. So it’s usually up to the girl to keep everything in perspective. It’s a pattern you see throughout life—the women do the thinking for both of them. The men can think—they just prefer not to.

  Now, I know they have modern preventative medicine and accessories that make children inconceivable, but even if you take the risk of pregnancy out of the equation, getting intimate changes everything. Whether you call it “lovemaking” or “shagging” or “doin’ the humpty-hump” or “taking one for the team,” it moves the relationship to a different level.

  When you start going steady, it’s like you join a very selective club that has the two of you as its only members. At first you’re a silver member,
which gives you exclusive dating privileges, as well as kissing, hugging and hand holding. As long as you live up to your responsibilities as a silver cardholder over a period of time determined by your girlfriend, you will be upgraded to a gold membership, which allows all the privileges of silver but adds bonus features like extended wet kisses, show and tell, and the popular touchy-feely. A gold-level member gets to participate in every aspect of the baseball game with the exception of the home run.

  To clear the bases, you need to be a platinum member, which can take months of fidelity and service and just the correct amount of begging. But if and when you ever do get that home run, your life changes at that moment—or, more accurately, at that second. Your girlfriend would only be that intimate with someone she was planning to spend the rest of her life with and you, as a platinum member, are saying you feel the same way. Right? Right??

  It can be a problem pretending to feel things you don’t. Most guys think that if they get enough sex it might lead to love, but the girl is thinking the exact opposite. So whether or not you feel she is the long-term one for you, once you empty the bases, you have to at least pretend you feel that way, in the hope that one day you will.

  So there are a lot of responsibilities and expectations that come with a platinum card, but getting it on with the girl of your dreams proves once and for all that membership has its privileges.

  OPPOSITES SUBTRACT