Red Green's Beginner's Guide to Women Page 8

  If you’re sure she will say yes and you’re sure you want her to, it’s still important to choose a suitable moment and setting for popping the question. Here are some conditions that enhance a marriage proposal:

  • moonlight

  • violin music

  • long-stemmed roses

  • a promotion

  • a lottery win

  • a romantic dinner

  • a tuxedo

  • the correct amount of after shave

  Here are some that kill a marriage proposal:

  • a bad smell

  • accordion music

  • your unemployment

  • a chainsaw starting

  • a Speedo

  • a cubic zirconium ring

  The proposal is the most difficult thing you’ll ever do with your mouth, and that includes eating at an East Indian restaurant. That’s because you have to say the right words at the right time in the right place to the right person. I’m betting you’ve never done that before in your life. We have to assume that you want the woman to say “yes,” otherwise you wouldn’t be asking, so here are a couple of guidelines to help you get the desired results:

  The Right Place

  Somewhere reasonably quiet. Not between heats at a monster truck rally. But not too quiet. Not in a library or a funeral home. You need romantic quiet. I suggest a high-end restaurant, and by high-end I don’t mean a rooftop Burger King. I’m talking expensive food and great service, with soft lights and music. Don’t sit at the bar. Don’t sit near the kitchen or the restrooms. Find a secluded, low-traffic area where you two can have some privacy. This is a very personal moment. If she accepts, you can embrace without onlookers. If she declines, you can do that fake laugh without the worry that you’re not fooling anyone.

  The Right Time

  You need her full attention and her best mood. You need her mind to be clear and at rest so she can fully appreciate the unbelievable offer you are making. If she’s just had a tough day at work and is about to be incarcerated, you should wait out the three months less a day. If she’s upset about her family or her friends or is having a bad hair day, you should probably hang on for a week or so.

  Sometimes you can save the situation by putting her in a happy mood before popping the question. Maybe even tell her a joke, but stay away from sewage stories or any jokes that have the word boobs in the punchline. Get her to laugh at somebody you both know. Not herself. It’s way too early for that.

  If you’re brave, you can get her to laugh at you, but don’t get mad when she has trouble stopping. Instead, get her to laugh at the waiter or somebody else in the restaurant. But not the big guy at the bar with the jagged scar through the middle of his “What are you looking at?” tattoo. The right time to propose is based completely on her mood. It’s not always easy to spot the right time, but you’ll know immediately if you’ve picked the wrong time.

  The Right Words

  There are certain words and phrases that really up your chances of a successful proposal. I suggest love, together, forever, “the perfect one for me,” eternity, “grow old together,” “have children,” “make you happy” and “you’re my whole world.”

  Conversely there are words and phrases that should be avoided. Things like “give it a try,” “you’re not gonna do any better,” “hump our brains out,” stud, “shack up,” “live in your mom’s basement” and “I’ll quit my job.”

  The Right Person

  This is a fallacy. People are constantly changing. The right person for you today will not necessarily be the right person for you tomorrow, unless you both change in a way that continually closes the gap. So the right person is the right person not for the way they are when you marry them, but for the way they will adapt to whatever changes the marriage has to go through to survive. Successful marriages are based on equality and fairness. So if the girl you’re marrying is a lot more equal and fair than you are, she’s a good choice. However, you’re the one who’ll have to do some changing.

  NO MEANS NO

  When you ask a girl to marry you and she says no or even “No, thanks,” that can make you feel a little awkward. You need to be able to come back with a witty rejoinder of some kind that somehow either breaks the tension or gives her the same kind of surprise you’ve just experienced. Here are a few sample responses to help you regain your pride after she says no:

  • “I’m sorry. I thought you were someone else.”

  • “Oh, thank God. I thought you were pregnant.”

  • “I’ll tell the football team that you’re still available.”

  • “Do you know any other girls who want to get married?”

  • “My mistake. I should have guessed you were gay.”

  • “Good call. We would have had ugly kids.”

  • “Well, that saved us both a messy divorce.”

  • “Great. Who am I going to cheat on now?”

  • “No? Oh my God, I came that close to marrying an idiot! And so did you.”

  PREPARATION FOR HAPPINESS (PREPARATION H)

  If, on the other hand, she accepts your proposal of marriage, you will go down a new path in your life. A path like no other you have ever encountered and from which there is no turning back.

  Marriage is like the military draft. It changes you forever. Even if you don’t see much action. But before you get to the marriage, you’ve got to go through the preparation for the big day, and, as in the military, it’s referred to as the rules of engagement.

  Immediately after the accepted proposal and the wearing of the engagement ring, there is a huge burst of relief and euphoria from all of your friends and family, who, up until then, felt there was very little hope for either of you. That celebration will sometimes last as long as an hour. After that, you’ll be under pressure to pick a date for the wedding and start making the arrangements.

  Your biggest challenge is to not reveal the truth. If you can pull that off, it will help you tremendously once you’re married. The truth is, you’re in no big hurry to get married. It may have taken you seven years to propose—there’s no need to rush now. But don’t tell her that. Any delay will cause her to assume your proposal was insincere or that you’re having second thoughts or that you’re just stringing her along. That can be especially damaging if it’s true.

  So instead, blame it on your unworthiness to be her husband—you want to wait until you’re making more money or have a down payment saved up or win the lottery. You want to be able to give her a great life and would rather wait until you’re in a financial position to do so.

  But you’ll need to project an acceptable timetable. Like you’ll be getting a big raise at your pizza delivery job as soon as your driver’s licence is reinstated. Or you have a great-aunt on her deathbed who is leaving you a rare collection of Hummel figures and a ’76 Pacer. The trick is to be convincing without being specific. If she starts getting antsy, remind her that she used to be one of your girlfriends, and then she became your only girlfriend and now she is your fiancée. Yes, someday soon she will be your wife, but she shouldn’t be cheated out of the fiancée experience. Being a fiancée is way more romantic than being a wife. Fiancée is French. Wife is German. I think.

  But for the vast majority of men, a date needs to be locked in right away—especially if you’re the kind of man who has been known to underdeliver on previous promises.

  Picking the date will be very difficult, as the bride wants to ensure good weather and the availability of friends and relatives while you’re trying to avoid all of the fishing derbies and the opening of deer season. As the days progress the conflicts will escalate and the number of difficult decisions will grow exponentially. There are times in a man’s life when he has to stop the madness, put his foot down and dictate how things are going to unfold. This is not one of those times. Just go along to get along. Any contrary opinion you express during this time will end up coming back and hitting you right in the nuptials.
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  Your fiancée is already dealing with a lot of difficult people; don’t add yourself to that list. Her biggest problem will be her mother, who wants to use your wedding to make up for her disappointment over marrying your future father-in-law. The mother of the bride wants everything to be the absolute best it can be. She’ll want to be involved in all the choices. Let her. She wasn’t allowed to pick the groom, so cut her some slack.

  Despite the four thousand years of jokes to the contrary, you need your mother-in-law to like you. Your wife will find plenty of things about you to criticize—you don’t want her mother agreeing with her. So let your mother-in-law have a free hand for the wedding plans. She’s focused, she has an agenda and she’s paying. When the event finally happens, it may be your night, but it’s her day.

  WHAT’S IN A NAME?

  You may find that once you are engaged, your fiancée will give you a nickname of some kind. It will be a term of endearment where the term will most likely be longer than the endearment. Be very particular about the nickname she chooses, because you will have it for a long, long time.

  Something short and semi-cool is about the most you can hope for—Honey, Baby, that kind of thing. If it’s way too respectful, like Ace or Champ, it usually means the exact opposite of what it says. Also, watch out for the cute ones—Poofy Bear, Lambykins, etc. There’s no way your friends will let that go.

  Generally limit the nickname to no more than two syllables and ensure it contains at least one hard consonant, and you can’t go too far wrong. Probably the safest nickname is a shorter version of your last name—if your last name is Hankmeister, and she calls you Hank, that’s fine. However, if your last name is Dorkweiler, you’ll want to go another way.

  But no matter what nickname you decide on, you need to understand the real reason she wants to give you one in the first place. It’s so she can put your real name aside, which allows her to use it against you later. For example, let’s say your name is Bob Dungflescher. She’s not going to find a nickname there, and if you expect her to take your name when you marry, that could be a deal breaker.

  So let’s say that even though your name is Bob, she nicknames you Shorty, for reasons known only to the two of you and the sex therapist. From that day forward, as life drifts into its inevitable routine, she will refer to you as Shorty. She is now building up an arsenal of names to call you if things go wrong—including “arsenal.” And the most effective names to call you are the ones that are actually versions of your name, Bob. So whenever she calls you something other than Shorty, you’ll instantly know something is amiss.

  And she will vary the use of those names based on how wrong things are. If you’ve just done something that’s stupid but also mildly amusing—like had an egg explode in the microwave—she will call you Bobby, implying an immature version of yourself. If you’ve done something stupid and annoying—like had a dozen eggs explode in the car—she will call you Bob, implying you’re a man and better get that cleaned up before the dog smells it. If you’ve done something stupid and dangerous—like had the car explode in the garage—she will call you Robert, implying she sees you as a suspicious stranger who will now have to sleep in the car in the garage even though neither any longer exists.

  The other hint you get as to how deep you’re in whatever you’re in is the tone and volume of the name she calls you. If it’s just above normal conversation level, you will survive and get back to life as normal in a relatively short period of time. If it’s way louder than that, this is going to take a few days. If it’s the loudest thing you’ve ever heard and just below the frequency that only dogs can hear, you’re going to need a fantastic memory to be able to remember what your bedroom looks like.

  However, even that is not the ultimate level of displeasure she can demonstrate. When she calls you Robert in a flat, even tone, well below normal conversation level and delivered with a piercing stare from dead eyes, you, my friend, have pinned the needle and will find yourself in solitary confinement, even when she’s in the room.

  GOING FERAL

  When a domesticated animal is abandoned in the wild, it can become feral, which means that in order to survive in a harsh environment, it reverts back to a more primitive state. The same thing can happen to you if you live too long on your own before bringing a woman into your home. Here are some signs that you have gone feral and that it may be too late for you to have a normal married life:

  • You only shave when there’s a full moon.

  • When you go to bed, you take off your underwear and toss it onto a lampshade. It is your underwear for this week.

  • Your underwear for next week is in the toe of one of your sneakers.

  • Your microwave oven, although new, looks like you’ve used it for a hundred years. Your washer and dryer, on the other hand, are in showroom condition.

  • Your car is so full of fast food bags and wrappers, when you go over a bump it rustles.

  • You own one suit that your mom bought you for graduation. It has never been cleaned.

  • You have not had a date in over three months.

  • You have not had a second date since 1987.

  • You subscribe to the most expensive TV cable package they offer and you pay extra to have them exclude the Women’s Network and the Food Channel.

  • You never know the dates of Thanksgiving or Easter but can name the starting time and location of the last twenty-three Super Bowl games.

  • You drink beer out of the can.

  • You drink wine out of the can.

  • You spend a lot of time in the can.

  • You fantasize about a blind date with a porn star.

  • Nothing anybody ever says or does offends you.

  • You can sleep on any surface in any position at any time. Especially at work.

  • Here’s the main problem: you’re not unhappy.

  THE IMPORTANCE OF OLD FRIENDS

  The difference between committing to a life partner and dating is like the difference between sixty years of car payments and taking test drives for the rest of your life.

  Oh sure, with the test drives you get the variety and the excitement of seeing what this baby can do, but for most people a lifetime of shallow dives is not nearly as fulfilling as one deep plunge.

  But make no mistake, the goal of a monogamous, happy marriage is extremely elusive and takes a lot of effort and vigilance. You need as much help as you can get. If your parents had a good marriage, that’s a bonus. Most people get married in spite of, rather than because of, their parents’ experience.

  So rather than focusing on your parents, I think it’s better to have lifelong friends who are going through the same experiences. People you can relate to. People you can teach and learn from. People who give you a sense of normalcy when you think you’re the only person in the world who feels the way you do. But you have to work at keeping those friendships alive and current. You have to make an effort to see those people and be in their lives.

  Some of them will seem just like you—going through the same problems and having the same results. They will give you comfort. Some will seem to be doing better than you—they get along better, they look better, they’re more successful. They will give you ambition. Some will be doing a lot worse than you—they fight all the time, they look bad and they’re facing financial ruin. These are the most important friends because they will give you hope. You want them to succeed because if they do, you’ll do even better. But even if they fail and you don’t, it will give you the feeling that you have a chance.

  In my experience, some of the most successful-looking marriages did a crash and burn and some of the shakiest had a miraculous breakthrough. But the important lessons come from knowing people over a lifetime. There’s a shorthand between friends who’ve known each other a long time and have shared experiences. Oh sure, you’ll make new friends throughout your whole life, but it’s great if you can keep a special place in your life for your old friends. I
t’s very similar to the decision you made when you got married—you don’t want to spend your life test-driving friends, either.

  SIGNING UP

  People have different ways of looking at the transition from bachelorhood to married life. Some consider it the end of personal freedom and a carefree life. Similar to going through puberty, things start to get way more complicated. Personally, I prefer to think of it as signing up for the military. Like you considered all the options, the performance expectations, the working conditions, the term, and decided to make a commitment for yourself, your family and your country.

  And this is not like signing up for the national guard, the light infantry, the navy or even the air force. This is like signing up for the marines. It’s going to take that level of courage, perseverance and, most of all, discipline to make this mission a success. On the upside, your bride hopefully isn’t looking for a few good men, but rather one half-decent man—you. But make no mistake, just like the marines, there are rules, there is a protocol and there most definitely is a code. Sometimes it’s just a dress code, but it’s a code nonetheless.

  On the downside, none of the rules that you must adhere to and live by are written down anywhere. They vary from woman to woman and they vary from day to day with each woman. You are facing a constantly moving target on an ever-changing battlefield. Your greatest assets are your intentions and your patience.

  As long as your intentions are to make that woman happy, you will be forgiven almost every shortcoming of your performance on all levels—physical, emotional and intellectual—for the marriage to which you have dedicated your service. And if you’re patient, you will have a much better chance of success as you wait until the absolute last minute to decide on a course of action that is therefore much more in sync with the wishes of mission control (your wife).