Red Green's Beginner's Guide to Women Page 2
Stinky P. told me about the first girl he tried to impress. She had a backyard pool, so Stinky ran into the yard next door and screamed “Geronimo!” as he vaulted over the fence and did a fully extended bellyflop into her swimming pool. Unfortunately, he assumed she’d be home and watching. He also assumed there’d be water in the pool.
Moose T. had a party trick that all the guys liked, so he tried that to get noticed. He would eat a hearty meal of pickled vegetables and carbonated beverages and, after about an hour of abdominal exercises and resource management, was able to pass wind in a way that allowed him to perform the entire Canadian national anthem, including one verse in French.
But however you plan to get a girl’s attention, make sure you focus on her reaction to see how it’s going. If Moose had only noticed the look of shock and disgust on the girl’s face, he could have cut the performance right after “our home and native land,” but instead he just kept blasting away with his eyes closed until the concert was violently terminated by someone trying to light a scented candle. But that’s the kind of thing you do when you’re thirteen. And when you’re Moose.
What both of these guys failed to realize is that they had reached the point in their lives when they were looking at what society calls “negative options.” That’s because their reference level was a bunch of other guys like themselves. There was nobody in that group that could give them the slightest hint of what these girls would find interesting or amusing. The sad truth is that what most thirteen-year-old boys find entertaining, most thirteen-year-old girls find repulsive.
So instead of trying to impress girls with what you say or what you do, which we all know is a long shot at best, I suggest you appeal to their mercy. You can claim to be having trouble with a certain school subject and ask them to help you with your homework. You may think you’ll have to pretend you’re stupid, but it may not be necessary.
Another surefire way to get a girl’s attention is to hurt yourself badly in front of her and then act like you’re fine. Coming down a flight of cement stairs while straddling the crossbar of your bike oughta do it. Her natural nursing instincts will kick in and you will have her undivided attention at least until you regain consciousness.
GROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
If you’re a reasonable-looking teenaged boy who does okay at school and has a few friends and has never done hard time at juvie, and yet has had no luck in attracting a girlfriend, the problem could be your grooming. It’s a sad fact that, on average, girls are much more particular than us about the level of grooming—i.e., refinement—of anyone who expresses an interest in them.
And to make matters worse, girls notice things. Things that you and your friends would ignore, they can’t. Or won’t. But mainly don’t.
Now, I know you were hoping that some good-looking unattached girl would find you acceptable, but unfortunately, Fantasyland is at Disney World. You have to live in the real world. So if you’ve been striking out on a regular basis, you may be surprised by these examples of the level of grooming and personal hygiene that girls demand:
• You can’t wear the same clothes today that you wore yesterday, even if they smell sort of okay.
• If a piece of cheese has mould on it or teeth marks from a mouse, you have to throw the whole thing away rather than just hack off the bad part.
• It’s not okay to have a stain on your clothes, even if it’s dry.
• If you only do the laundry once a week, you need seven pairs of underwear.
• Your hair should be clean enough that people can see the individual strands.
• You may have heard that girls are attracted by the smell of pheromones in a boy’s sweat, but it’s better if you never meet those girls.
• Torn jeans are only cool if the holes are in the right places.
• Your fingernails shouldn’t look like you just gave a paved road a backscratch.
• Every person should have exactly two eyebrows. No more, no less.
• Teeth need to be white and should never be seen in groups of fewer than twelve.
• Buy a full-length mirror and don’t be afraid to use it.
A LITTLE GENTILITY
To be fair to us guys, a lot of us are victims of our own upbringing. Generally, there’s a lot more time and energy put into the raising of a daughter than a son. I’m not sure why that is. Maybe there’s a sense that a boy will find some way to survive no matter what; maybe it dates back to the time when the goal was to get your daughter married off; maybe parents just don’t like sons as much as daughters. But whatever the reason, a young man often goes out into the world without being fully prepared.
He may have a basic grasp of a reliable work ethic and he may generally treat people in a decent and fair way. But in the area of social graces, he may be totally ignorant. That’s because nobody ever taught him about such things. Whatever he knows he got from watching his dad, and that’s rarely a good thing.
Okay, maybe a million years ago, social grace was not an essential skill. A man’s main purpose was to provide food, shelter and protection for his wife and family, and the better he did that, the better a catch he was. Well, things have changed. If you want to attract a woman today, you’d better have some gentility. It doesn’t make you less of a man to be polite and even chivalrous. Quite the opposite. Many women these days are looking for a man to not only be strong and intelligent, but also refined. It’s really just the next step in our evolution.
And from what I’ve seen, a lot of us are being left behind. I know men who will openly scratch themselves in public. They’ll scratch their stomach or their back or their lower back or worse. I’ve seen them rub themselves up against brick buildings like a bear on a day trip. You don’t see women doing that. I’ve seen men spit on the sidewalk and relieve themselves at the side of the road. Men who should say, “Please excuse me for a moment, dear,” will instead say, “I’m gonna go take a dump.”
Come on, we need to evolve a little here. We’re supposed to be at the absolute top of the animal chain and yet man is the only species who picks his nose. I don’t think that’s what Darwin had in mind. And picking your nose while driving your car doesn’t make it somehow okay. Why is it always men doing that? Do you know how tough that makes it for the rest of us? Women think we’re all the same, so when they see one guy doing something disgusting, they think we’re all capable of it. And they’re right. So stop doing that. Or at least stop doing it outdoors or anywhere where there are other people and a light source. Let’s see a little refinement, a little gentility. What kind of a woman do you hope to attract when you’re standing there scratching your crotch with one hand while picking your nose with the other?
It’s like hitchhiking with a chainsaw. The normal people are not going to stop to give you a ride. And when somebody does stop, you have to ask yourself, “What kind of a person would pick up a guy carrying a chainsaw?”
CHEST FEVER
The attraction of the female bosom is a strange phenomenon that affects almost all men. It’s hard to explain. Maybe it’s the fascination of seeing something you can never have. Maybe it’s the envy of a woman having a body part that combines form and function.
Whatever the reason, men have been interested in breasts since the beginning of time. They give them nicknames—boobs, bazooms, bazookas, cans, honkers, hoops, jugs, rack, ta-tas, the Twins, the Giants, and the Forty-Niners. There’s even a restaurant chain named after them. The attraction of breasts is a tremendous disadvantage to men. They have to constantly fight their desire to see them and touch them and who knows what all. Some men can have an entire conversation with a busty woman without ever making eye contact. A woman wearing a 44D halter top ran into a bar and stole a handful of cash and, when the police arrived, not one guy could describe her face.
We’ve come a long way in the last fifty years regarding our attitudes towards equality of opportunity for women—equal pay for equal work, the removal of the glass ceiling, Oprah, et
c. But because of men’s obsession with the female form, we have to stay vigilant. And the women need to admit they’re part of the problem. While nobody wants to be ogled, a woman will rightfully use whatever assets she has, to attract a man, be chosen for a job, or basically get whatever she wants.
Nobody in the advertising business is disgusted with men’s attraction to a healthy bosom. When they put a couple of bikini-clad models in front of a minivan, it looks like a Ferrari. I know they say sex sells, but to me this attraction is not even sexual. It’s more like being awestruck by a unique example of kinetic art that is simultaneously soft and firm, that changes with movement but then reverts back to its original shape, and is part of a living being. Men find that titillating fascinating.
What makes it even more indefinable is that for most men, there is an ideal range of breast size. As teenagers, they think the bigger the better, but as an adult in the real world, there is a point where the body proportions are so out of whack that the beauty is lost. I would say most men prefer breasts to be in the upper range of normal. And so do women. Many will have breast implants or reductions to get themselves into that range. (Most women don’t bother. They just use their intellect and personality to get through life, which we all know is the best way to go, but it’s not what I’m talking about right now.)
So let’s all admit that we have a problem here. The whole mammary obsession thing objectifies women and impairs men. A man’s IQ drops 10 per cent with every one-inch increase in a woman’s bust size. The woman who shows the greatest amount of cleavage will have the most conversations and the least eye contact. So, is the answer to force women to wear clothing that goes right up to the neck? I hope not.
I think the best solution is for us all to be aware of the issue but to act like it doesn’t exist. Kind of like the government does with almost everything. Whenever you’re speaking to a woman with large breasts, make intelligent conversation and look into her face. If she’s selling something, get your wife in on the decision. (Unless she is your wife, in which case, you can’t lose.)
And men everywhere: do not ever make any reference to the size of the woman’s chest. She knows she’s got it and she knows you like it, but as soon as you point it out, it ruins it for all men everywhere. Being a gentleman means taking one for the team. Or in this case, taking two for the team.
SEXIST TEST
If you want to be a fully evolved human male, you have to eventually grow out of your immature tendencies to see women as sex objects. You’re not going to have successful relationships with women until you can see them as bright, competent, complex individuals who have the right to all of life’s opportunities without prejudice.
This test is a way for you to see how you’re doing in that area. For each of the women listed, choose the answer that most represents what came to your mind first when you read her name.
Dolly Parton
a) singer
b) songwriter
c) actress
d) other
Monica Lewinsky
a) political aide
b) media personality
c) college graduate
d) other
Heidi Fleiss
a) entrepreneur
b) Hollywood socialite
c) matchmaker
d) other
Lady Godiva
a) political activist
b) horsewoman
c) victim of global warming
d) other
Scoring: Award yourself 50 points for every time you answered a), 40 points for b), 30 points for c), and no points for d). Now total them up.
What Your Score Means
150–200 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enlightened Male
100–150 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Better than Most
50–100 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most
0–50 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Counselling Needed
SURPRISE SURPRISE
When you become a mature, single adult—or, failing that, a single adult—you need to get yourself one of those fancy cellphones that does everything from identifying constellations to reading your alcohol level. There’s a pretty good chance this phone will have the ability to make audio recordings. It will even be able to do secret audio recording while it’s tucked away in your pocket. But the microphone is sensitive, so it’s very important which of your pockets you put it in, and please don’t ask why. But once you’ve established a pocket that’s far away from any unfortunate ambient noise, you want to start making secret recordings at certain kinds of events.
I’m talking about events where there is a potential for you to be surprised about something. That’s the whole point of the exercise—to get recordings of you being honestly surprised. So start recording when it’s your birthday or when the boss has asked you to come to his office or when you’re talking to your doctor or your accountant.
Hopefully, in a short period of time you will have a selection of recordings of you being honestly surprised. You need to study these to learn every nuance and expression. Every detail of tempo and timing. What, specifically, do you say when you’re surprised? And at what volume? Is it a short, loud burst of energy or is it a lot of repetitious statements expressed at a medium volume over an extended period? It is absolutely essential that you not only become infinitely aware of your surprise response but that you also teach yourself how to mimic that response so well that it will defy detection. That’s because when the day comes when you find yourself married and wanting to stay that way, there is no more important talent than the ability to successfully fake surprise.
That’s due to the unfortunate fact of life that wives are not dumb. They know you better than you know yourself. And yet they married you, so go figure. One of the reasons they know us so well is because they pay close attention to our patterns. They know the kinds of things we do and think and say. They also know that we like to avoid problems whenever possible. And one of the ways we do that is by not being completely open and honest about things we’ve said or done that haven’t gone exactly the way we planned. We often revert back to being an eight-year-old boy in school trying to blame the puddle under his chair on someone else.
Wives know we do that, and it makes them sneaky. If they come home and see the barbecue is missing a lid, they won’t just come into the house and ask, “What did you do to the barbecue?” That’s way too easy for us. Instead they’ll ask, “So how was your day?” And they’ll pretend to be offhand. They may not even look at you or stop walking while you answer, but their ears are on maximum alert for anything that just doesn’t sound right. For example, you. Now, obviously, “How was your day?” is not going to hurt you, but it’s not supposed to. It’s the set-up question. It’s like “Please tell the court your name.” The tough questions are coming next. Like “What happened to the barbecue?” Not too bad, but we’ve obviously gone to the next level. Keep your answer simple. The more you say, the deeper you go—“You mean somebody blew the lid off it? Or something?” Don’t do that. Just say, “How do you mean?” Now she’ll walk right up to you, stare you in the eye and say, “The lid’s gone.”
This is where all the training and rehearsal pays off. You will be surprised in such a totally convincing way that she will drop the line of questioning and never get to the part about the blowtorch or the aviation-fuel charcoal starter. You will live to barbecue another day. There’s another surprise.
BREAKING THE ICE
I know this is uncomfortable for any teenaged boy to hear, but once you get a girl’s attention, to move the relationship forward you are going to have to speak to her at some point.
It’s always easier to do when there’s an obvious need for you to communicate—like when she’s asking you what time it is or wondering why you’re sitting on her bike. But sometimes you just have to be able to strike up a conversation based on nothing.
This is not a natural behavioural trait for men. Those with the knack often have many girlfriends and
wives simultaneously. They also make excellent time-share salesmen. However, if you’re one of the vast majority that finds it hard to talk to strangers—and even harder to want to talk to strangers, this can be a challenge.
The following is a passage from Buster’s Diary which he said I could quote—or I’m sure he would have done if he’d known I had the diary. Buster was fourteen when he made this entry:
Dear Diary,
I was hanging around the school after class, waiting for Ann to come out so I could get a chance to introduce myself and maybe even walk her home and then kiss her on her front porch or anywhere she’d let me. But failing that I would at least say hello to her. When she finally came out she was with three other girls. The other three saw me and immediately went back inside. Ann didn’t and continued on her way. I thought this was an excellent sign. I went right up to her and said hi. She didn’t answer but she looked at me. SHE LOOKED AT ME. How cool is that? It wasn’t exactly a friendly look. Women are so mysterious. Then I said, “Which way are you going?” She pointed down Queen St. I said, “Wow! So am I!” She said, “Really?” SHE SPOKE TO ME. SHE ACTUALLY SPOKE TO ME. HOLY CRAP! Then she yawned and walked away. I followed her. “Is it okay if I walk with you?” I asked. “No,” she said and yawned again. That’s twice she’s spoken to me. This is now officially a conversation. “Well, I’ll just stay back here then,” I said. I kept about ten feet behind her but yelled so she could still hear me. I had lots of questions. “Who’s your favourite wrestler?” “Would you like a pierogi?” “Do you want to stop at Moose’s house and hear him play the anthem?” No response. But it was fun sort of walking with her. She even looked as good from the back as she did from the front. Kind of like a Studebaker. She was in good shape. Very fit. But then she runs a lot. At least she did that day. And she was really moving. I kept up as best I could but I know she must have been exhausted by the time she reached her house and that’s why she went in and slammed the door without saying goodbye. I hung around her place for a few hours thinking about what a great day this had been, but I went home right after the police told me to.